Today's day and age revolve around virtual relationships and speed dating. Dating apps nowadays are like a sexually-charged version of a job interview. You have a bio, qualifications, likes, dislikes, and so much more to swipe through, in order to decide what (more like who) fits your requirements.
What about the people who can't form a connection so instantly? For some, it takes years of friendship or a much deeper connection to actually decide to jump down the relationship-rabbit hole. If you're one of those people then this article is for you.
You most probably fall into the category of people who are demisexual. A demisexual by definition is a person who needs to establish an emotional connection with another, before experiencing any sexual attraction toward them. Under the asexual spectrum, demisexuals fall somewhere between being sexual and being asexual. They neatly fit under the umbrella of gray asexuality.
An asexual by definition is someone who does not experience sexual attraction, whereas demisexuals do get sexually attracted but only once they get to know a person well.
If you are still confused about whether you fit in the demisexual spectrum, here are 15 signs that you might be demisexual:
1) From just amigos to wanting much more
Jumping into a new relationship with someone, that you hardly know, is not your cup of tea. You are baffled by the ease with which other people can just do this. Watching Anna and Hans, in Frozen, get engaged within a day of knowing each other gave you chills.
For you, it is way more important to be friends with someone before you even begin to think of a relationship. Knowing their pet peeves, how they like their tea, their dislikes, and hobbies make you feel way more attracted to them. You certainly have no desire to be set up on a blind-date by your well-meaning, but misguided friends.
Are sapiophiles and demisexuals related? Check out our post on Sure Signs That You are a Sapiophile.
2) You are confused by social life and how anti-social it seems.
Many times you have found yourself thinking that the world has become quite detached nowadays. Social media has made it easy for people to hook up, and ghost each other with ease. Everybody is obsessed with documenting their lives, but they forget to enjoy the actual moment with the people that they care about.
You don’t understand how people can be so casual when it comes to dating. These whirlwind romances, and 1-month relationships confuse you because of how disconnected they appear.
At least for you, even to begin thinking about calling someone your significant other doesn’t come easily.
3) First date: Interview Round
All your friends are shocked and awed when you decide to actually go on a date. You are not one to indulge in dating so when you do, it is a huge deal!
First dates for you involve chaos, tension, and lots of nitpicking. Your mental checklist is ready and you scroll through it while meeting the person for the first time. Are they nice? Can I hold a conversation with them? Are they intelligent? Since compatibility is a big deal for you, the first date holds a lot of weight.
4) Hot or Not, you don't care
Your friends always seem to be checking out good-looking people everywhere they go. From rating celebrities to regular people in the train, this game that people play is something you just don't get.
You certainly can appreciate a person's beauty, but you just don't find random strangers attractive. Is that so wrong?
Most demisexuals find that they only experience the secondary sexual attraction. This is when attraction follows a strong connection or bond. Until then, you have really no clue what the whole fuss is about.
5) Attraction, Arousal, and the Anticipation
Demisexuals find that a lot of regular relationship experiences don't happen to them. Many recoil from physical intimacy, they don't experience the butterfly feeling as much, and even the usual bout of crushes seem non-existent.
They don't get aroused that often, and hearing their friends talk about it just seems strange. Most of the time you are relegated to the sidelines when conversations revolve around sex, crushes, dating, or making out. Oh well, at least you are learning from the mistakes (the tons mistakes) being made by your friends!
6) Sex always seems to be an afterthought
Many demisexuals find that jumping into bed with just anyone is not what they are about. They hardly ever experience that kind of instantaneous sexual attraction, but when they do, it is only with someone that they really care about.
It takes months for you to feel ready to open up to a person, and when you do, then get ready for some fireworks. You consider sex to be an intense experience and you can't wait to share it with someone you completely trust. Without that bond, you can’t really seem to move forward with a person.
7) Searching for a deep connection in a shallow pond
Demisexuals find it very difficult to let people into their lives. When it comes to socializing you might even be the most social person in the room. Yet you only have a handful of close friends that you decide to let in.
Sharing personal information or discussing your problems does not come naturally to you. It takes a long time, a lot of trust, and a reliable person for you to want to share your deepest secrets. Until then, you make do with the string of acquaintances that are always readily available.
8) You get high on good conversations
The best feeling in the world is when you hit that conversational-sweet spot with a person. Which sweet spot? The one where you are able to discuss pretty much anything and everything.
The give and take in a conversation is the most important part of it. You just love when you talk to someone and get to know them better than before. Topics like race, religion, politics, philosophy, family, and love are never off limit for the right person. You know that you would not be able to make a relationship work with someone who only converses through monosyllables.
9) Love before Lust is an unintentional motto that you live by
For most people, the modern method of operation is to fall in lust, stalk on Instagram, and then date. Demisexuals, however, have the exact opposite M.O. Even if the most attractive person were to approach you, you would reject them if their personality did not hold up.
You'd rather stalk people for their gorgeous personality than their perfectly-shaped eyebrows. After all, looks fade but personality does not.
10) You got 99 problems but being fussy is not one.
Many people misunderstand demisexuals, merely because they are unable to relate to their feelings.
You find that people see you as picky, disinterested, or fussy. In fact, you are just holding out for someone really special, who you care about. Why should you gush over random people?
11) Are you commitment phobic?
A huge misconception about demisexuals is that they are afraid of being in a relationship, or that they can't get someone to date them.
You know that you aren't desperate enough to run after the first person that asks you out. Your sights are on someone much greater. You have no problem with waiting for a really good person to come your way. Till then, you have much more to devote your time to anyway.
12) Flirting is a language that you haven't mastered yet.
On a scale of 1 to what-is-going-on, you know where you stand when it comes to flirting. You have most likely never tried flirting, or if you have it has been a disaster. It just seems like an unattainable skill that everybody, but you, has mastered.
Although you do worry about flirting, you know that when the right person comes along the conversation will be easy. If you are still worried about your flirting skills, you can always check out this amazing video, or this amazing guide on How To Flirt With a Girl.
13) Your holy grail is a good personality
Some people find height attractive, some long for a muscular beau, whereas you long for a decent personality.
As a demisexual, you'll find that you are attracted to people who are interesting, funny, kind, and intelligent, regardless of their physical appearance. If a person doesn’t fit into this criteria, then even their 6-pack abs don’t make a difference.
14) It is easier to come across a dog doing a somersault than to see you crushing on someone
Since you take relationships quite seriously, you hardly ever fall head-over-heels for someone. Generally, you take months to get to know a person before deciding whether you're into them. Crushing on someone is not something you are too familiar with or engage in frequently.
When you do eventually develop a crush on someone you better be sure that all your friends will be waiting on the sidelines with popcorn ready, and lots of advice.
15) You worry about Friend-crushes crushing your friendship.
Since many demisexuals require an emotional connection to be attracted to someone, it makes sense that they often fall for their close friends. When you start crushing on a good friend, you start to worry about whether you should tell them about it. What if they don't reciprocate my feelings? What if I lose them as a friend? What if they act awkwardly around me?
All these questions end up swimming around in your mind and sometimes you don't even tell them about your blossoming crush. You would rather preserve that emotional bond than damage it due to a crush.
With that being said, you are a person who knows what they want and doesn’t mind waiting for the right time. Don’t let society tell you how you are supposed to be. Hopefully, these 15 signs of demisexuality have helped you figure out whether you are demisexual or not. You can also be demiromantic, which means that you experience romantic attraction only after getting to know a person thoroughly. Whereas a biromantic demisexual seeks out romantic relationships with either gender. To find out more demisexual facts and to get more information on this topic, you can check out this wonderful page.