Fess up ladies, we have all faced it; that moment when the guy that you are interested in starts being flaky, and you don’t know what to do. There are several ways that a guy can start being flaky. Maybe, after what you thought was a wonderful night, he just didn’t text you or return your calls. Or perhaps he has ghosted you, totally disappearing after a few hours of fun or worse, after a few months of intimacy. It could even be that he waited until you feel in love, and then fell off the face of the earth. Or maybe he simply stood you up for a date that you’d been looking forward to all week.
Flakiness is Becoming More Common
Sadly, it is not uncommon in today’s society for a man to ghost you, disappearing for good and leaving you to dwell on what you may have done wrong. Another common way that men may run away is called “zombieing.” For this cowardly act, the guy may return and act as if all is well, never addressing the reason that he left in the first place or offering you any type of apology. To drop in and out of someone’s life in such a way is often a sign that he could be a narcissist, but that is a subject for another day.
Don’t be a Flaky Jerk
Despite the fact that it is becoming more and more common for someone to ghost or zombie someone, it still a horrible thing to do and often leaves the victim in a state of insecurity. If someone plans a date with a person and then just doesn’t show up, they should at least send a text with some sort of explanation. Even a lame excuse is better than none. And guys, with cancellations, sooner is better than later. Don’t wait until she’s gotten all dressed up and sat for hours waiting for you to offer your apology. Give her time to make other plans.
What Makes a Guy Flake?
For many, the idea of what is the right thing to do and what is the wrong thing to do in a relationship is cut and dry. The proper way to treat someone seems easy to most people, and so we assume that everyone should have learned better than to ghost or zombie another person. But what people did and did not do on dates even a decade ago is so different than what is accepted now.
In the age of technology, it seems that the rules have changed for every type of relationship. From friendships to family ties to dating, people everywhere have lost the fine art of giving another person the attention that an event deserves. At one time, when a group of friends had a party, everyone gave each other their full attention, but now it seems that people are constantly glued to their smartphones and our relationships have gone from talking to those across the table to chatting with everyone on Facebook and ignoring the ones who are closest to us.
With this being the new norm, it is easy to see why many guys may not even realize that they are being flaky, or that what they are doing is wrong. After all, it seems that everyone, both men and women, has become comfortable with ignoring their friends, relatives, and loved ones, and vanishing whenever they feel like it. Your guy may not even realize that he has upset you… or he may feel like it is unfair for him to be expected to be “appropriate” when no one else seems to be. Unfortunately, not all guys will act like you want them to.
Teach him not to be Flaky
There are options when your man is pulling away. This is where you come in. It is your job to teach others how to treat you. You cannot expect a man, or anyone else to be able to read your mind or understand your standards if you don’t set them. It is not fair to hold him to a much higher standard than you yourself have, or than you hold your friends and loved ones to. Would you freak out on your best friend if he or she didn’t immediately answer your texts? If the answer is, “No,” then you shouldn’t do it to him.
Do you expect others to automatically know what bothers you when you first meet them? If not, then you cannot expect him to know until you teach him. You cannot be angry with him for failing to meet your expectations if he has no idea what those expectations are. People all have different sets of standards and issues that really irk their nerves. Let him know what yours are.
Is There a Reason for His Flakiness?
For example, maybe you are a stickler for time. If you set a time to meet someone, you may expect them to be there precisely when you agreed… not before and not after, but at the set time. If this is you, then you might have to let him in in that secret, because not everyone is like that.
Or, it could be that he is the one who is rigid about timelines. Maybe you showed up late, and so he ghosted you? If that is the case, he should have let you know what his standards were. You can see why setting standards is important early on. If you have not let him know what you expect, you cannot blame him when he doesn’t meet those expectations.
When Unexcused Flakiness is a Dealbreaker
You should tell him when you are setting a date that if he can’t show up for any reason, to text or call you and let you know as soon as possible. If you have made that expectation clear to him and he still stands you up with no warning, then you have every reason to be angry with him.
The same is true of ghosting and zombieing. Before you start becoming serious at all, have a discussion with him about this. Maybe bring up how technology has made this an acceptable thing to do in society but make it obvious that this is completely unacceptable to you. If you make your expectations known and he still acts flaky with no valid excuse, then you have your answer on whether or not you should let this relationship go any further. After all, as Mayo Angelou says, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”