So, you have a crush on your colleague, or your classmate, or your neighbor - and you have no idea what to do about it. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?
Ugh, the signals
This guy is the worst. There’s no telling what he wants. Sometimes, you guys stay up the entire nights engaged in one drawn-out phone call or some flirtatious texting here and there. Those days, you feel like a boss. You’re completely sure that your crush is into you too- it’s all but official. He’s paying so much attention for that exact reason, right? With all the flirtatious comments and the compliments, of course, he likes you!
But then, someone takes a club to your dreams, and your crush disappears altogether! There’s nothing – absolutely nada - from his side. You stare at your phone till your vision blurs, and run to the phone every time it rings - but it’s never him.
Frustrating, isn’t it? Why give all those signals if he’s not going to call back ever? You resolve to never think about him again. No. Never. You’ll not spare him one thought. You’ll go about your days, with your head held high, and simply put this whole nightmare behind you.
And you’re barely there. You’ve just managed to forget about him and move on when your phone chimes with a message from him. He's back- from the dead, it seems. You try to sound cold and distant- keeping the conversation as formal as you possibly can- but he’s so gosh darn charming! It’s impossible for you to not fall for his honey voice and sugary words.
So the pattern begins again- he pays attention to you for a couple of weeks, disappears, and then re-appears when you’ve given up hope.
It’s easy to pass this off as bad behavior, and it does seem to be that.
But have you ever wondered whether this is a deliberate ploy to get you hooked on him?
Now, hear us out here. What we’re saying is that this guy’s disappearing and reappearing act could be done with a purpose - to get you interested in him more than you would care to admit.
You might roll your eyes at this. How could this possibly work? You hate his guts every time he vanishes into thin air. It’s so annoying.
Well, it is quite possible that your crush is using a tactic called intermittent reinforcement.
And what’s good is - you could use it to get him hooked to you too.
The power of the vanishing act
Let’s begin by describing what intermittent reinforcement is with a small example.
Suppose you have three games laid out in front of you. One is the super hard one, the one that feels like it’s been made by aliens. You don’t understand it, you don’t care about it, you let it go. Total quittance.
The next game is as easy as the first one was difficult. You’ve got it all figured out instantly. The pieces are all there, the methods are simple, you win game after game. What happens next? You get bored of it. Again, you quit.
The third game is the intermediate one. It’s somewhere between absolutely unplayable and extremely easy. And most importantly, you don't win every game. You win intermittently – maybe the second one, and then the fifth, then the eighth. This shows you that you have the capacity to master if you keep playing too. So you do exactly that - you keep playing.
Now, take this same analogy and apply it to men.
Some guys are difficult to crack. They’re repelling, you don’t understand them, you don’t like them. They’re canceled.
The second type of guys are the nice ones. They laugh at all your jokes, compliment you all the time, give you all the attention in the world. You know they like you too much - and that puts you off. There's no challenge to the courtship, which is why you discard them too.
Your crush probably falls in the third category - the "sometimes nice" guy. These guys will say all the right things and use all the right moves, but they'll always disappear for short intervals. They'll leave you feeling confused, agitated - and completely hooked.
When you figure this out, it would help matters if you realize that your interest in your crush is not based on any genuine attraction or attachment or chemistry of any kind. He’s playing a psychological game with you, trying to lead you on using intermittent reinforcement.
If you’re trying to win a relationship, and not trying to lose your heart at a gambling table, you should consider staying away from the man who is more like a slot machine than a suitor!
Ask yourself: is this even worth it? Do I even want a relationship with this guy?
If not, then stop playing.
If you found this short article helpful, you’re going to love my friend's video presentation on becoming His Secret Obsession.