Hey, let's talk again. And in this post, I am going to talk about the No Contact rule that you probably read all about as you were searching the internet for ways to get back together with your ex. If you haven't heard about the No Contact strategy, it is pretty simple. Basically what this strategy involves is ignoring your ex for a set period of time after the breakup in order to win them back. It's that simple. Most people generally advocate around a month of No Contact after the breakup if you want your ex back. Now, is it a good idea? Is this a good strategy? Does it work? Generally speaking, this is a good strategy that I do advocate and it does often work and it worked for me. And the reasons why it works is actually quite scientific, there's a lot of research and real reasons why it works.
So why does this No Contact thing work?
Why should you ignore your ex completely for say 30 days after the breakup?
Well the first reason, rather the first couple reasons are actually very straightforward.
- Number one, it gives you time to heal privately. So you don't have all your emotions, all your heartache, and all the pain you feel after a breakup, it's not all open in the public and for your ex to see.
- Secondly, by ignoring your ex, you are also basically preventing yourself from doing something stupid. From an irrational idea that it would be a good idea to send your ex a text message at 2 AM when you are drunk to tell them that you love them, and that you miss them and all that. By ignoring them completely, you are not going to make any mistakes. You can't when you are not talking to your ex.
- Now the third reason is actually a lot more subtle, but it's probably the most important part of the whole No Contact strategy and that it forces your ex to miss you. Basically, when you ignore your ex after a breakup, you are essentially forcefully removing yourself from your ex's life. So basically your ex has been accustomed to you. They have become very comfortable having you around, and if you suddenly disappear from their life, they are going to be in shock, essentially. And it's it's going to be a lot more difficult for them to recover and it's going to be a lot more painful for your ex and they are going to be a lot more likely to miss you. So that's one of the main reasons why No Contact works. It forces your ex to start missing you. And you need them to miss you if you want them back, because you need them to have that decision to get back together with you, organically to have them decide to get back together, often times because they miss you so much that they just want to make the pain of the breakup go away by getting back together. And of course, that will work to your advantage.
- Now the fourth reason why the No Contact strategy often works extremely well is because, in addition to making your ex miss you, it also allows them to forget the negative memories and sort of generally forget why they broke up with you in the first place. A lot of the times, humans tend to let go of negative memories and hold on to the happier ones. And it's extremely likely that your ex will do this. They will let go of some of the negative memories, they will start to forget some of the reasons why they wanted to break up with you and why they weren't happy, and that happens a lot more effectively and if you are not talking to them and reminding them of all those same reasons they wanted to breakup. So, by ignoring them, you are basically giving them time to forget all of those negative memories fade to the background.
- And finally, the last reason why No Contact is often an excellent strategy is that it sends a very clear signal to your ex that you are going to move on. You are not going to wait around for them while they screw around, trying to decide whether the single life is right or whether they will be able to find someone else. You are just not going to be around forever. You are going to move on to bigger and better things if your ex doesn't reconsider the decision to break up. And that essentially ties into the whole concept of shifting the balance of power from your ex(who broke up with you or presumably decided to break up with you or doesn't want to get back together) to you. Because all of a sudden, now you are saying, you know what? I can live my life on my own. I am going to be just fine. So if you know, you don't want me in your life, I am out. So that's essentially shifting the balance of power in your favor and that's going to work to your advantage of winning your ex back.
Now does this No Contact strategy work for every situation? What if it's been 3 months since you broke up? What if you live together? There are a lot of "What if" and there are a lot of questionable scenarios. Most of the time I still advocate for No Contact even if it's some sort of modified form. So generally if you are not sure, do apply the No Contact.
I’ve seen thousands of threads where people say the broke no contact and they regret it. Under no circumstances, you should ever do it. There is no magical 30 day no contact rule. No contact lasts forever until they reach out to you. You never reach out to them after implementing No Contact.
What’s the point of going no contact only to text them after some time?
Isn’t obvious as for them that after going silent for weeks you just text out of nowhere?
If they never reached out to you during your no contact period, it means they have no interest in talking with you. It hurts but they have actually removed you from their life entirely by saying "its over" and never reaching out to you.
They will contact you maybe sooner or later but they will. And even if they won't it means they never wanted to get back with you or they just don't care whats going on in your life after break up.
Maybe they wait for me to reach out?
No. Not really. It’s not the same when you started getting to know each other and you were the one who was initiating contact. You were together for some time.
But who is the dumper?
They decided to split out and no matter what is the reason whether you cheated or not, you cant force, someone, to love you. No amount of arguments or emotional blackmail will help it. In fact, it's only going to hurt your chances. During the no contact, the other person is wondering why aren't contacting him or her. They actually expect you to reach out. But that's not what you want to do because you won't suddenly get them back by texting them. Instead, you just show the other person that you are weak and can't spend even a little time without them.
The only thing you may achieve with it is either getting friend zoned, which is probably the worst thing to do to yourself or get rejected again. Stop caring about your ex. Your ex is doing the same thing by not contacting you. At this point, your ex is on the worse side because they are the one who ended the relationship. So it's your ex whose thoughts would wander more.
Sometimes silence is louder than words.
They need you?
They will contact you.
You need them?
They already know that.
Show your ex that you don't need them in your life. Tell them, you have your own life. Tell them, that you are awesome, "with or without" them being in your life.
You might even think "break up is my fault/I cheated/I hurt them."
Calm down. Break up is never ever one person’s fault. There is always a dumper and a dumpee. When one ends a relationship, the other person has to deal with it. They found some issues in you or your relationship which caused them to break up with you. Yes, you might have some issues, major or minor. But, all you can do is tell them that you will change for good, and any incidents which may have caused the breakup, such as cheating would never happen again. Tell your partner, that you accept your mistake. After apologizing, start the No Contact. Don't ever, beg or plead with them. That's the worst thing that you can do to yourself.
There are no exceptions to No Contact rule. The only difference here is truly apologizing for it and then going no contact. But, well if you actually cheated you must deal with the fact that you are an asshole and don't really have a second chance. But, that’s up to her/him to decide. Still, you need to disappear to make them think whether they want to forgive you or not. Your hopes are really low here so move on. Same if they cheated on you. Imagine you are in their situation. How would you feel, would you be able to forgive, trust again? Think about it.
What if they text or ask for meet up?
It really depends. If you want them back then you really should not ignore them. If you don't respond then it shows that you are really not interested in talking with them or just acting cold. if you want them back, ideally you should reply. But, always keep it short. But don't expect something impossible, act like you are busy. Let them know, that having a conversation with them is not something that will change your day or mood. Also, be the first one to end the conversation. Never reply instantly. Take some time to reply, and let them know that you have other important things in your life. Never text them first after you have had a conversation some time back.
After a few texts, try to fix a date. Never get into long conversations. They should text you if they are interested in you and if not, it means they still don't want to have you in their life. If your ex gets in contact keep trying to make them meet up with you because talk in real life is much better than just texting and the will be to see how you changed during the no contact. If they don't accept it, don't be mad, have your class and accept that they are not ready or still not interested.
Don't care about them. Still, show your class and forgiveness that you are able to reply to them. Move on but it's up to you if you want to have this person in your life or not.
What should one do during the No Contact?
WORK ON YOURSELF.
Stop sitting and crying about why it happened. Sometimes people do everything well and still fail. You must accept the reality. You are not the only one, some people divorce even after 20’years of marriage. No matter if they promised you, its bullshit. People change with time as well as their promises. Would you like someone to be with you just because they promised? Just because you had these plans? They avoided fulfilling this plans because you lost your value comparing to when they made this promises. Start changing yourself, understand what went wrong, what flaws you might have. Don't blame them because they have time to change themselves as well. It's you who should change during the No Contact, whether you want them back or else just be better for your next. Hit the gym, socialize with friends, start dating other women. Distancing yourself from your ex builds attraction and when they see the new version of you, that you changed it increases the attraction even more. Most relationships fail because of the loss of attraction. Keep doing what you love or start doing what you wanted to do since a long time. They weren’t the only thing in your life.
Always remember, "he who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior" and if you find yourself then you will find a way to them. The more you move on and stop thinking about them the higher your chance of getting them back or even achieving happiness without them you have.
Stand up. Stop wondering and start working.
At last, I want you to go through the video down below. It enhances on the No Contact Rule, explaining it with real life examples.