Why No Contact Could Backfire

. 4 min read

When things end with your significant other it’s rough. From a simple break to a full-blown breakup we’ve all had our fair share of heartbreak. I know radio silence sucks but how do you fix your heartache after a nasty breakup? There is a remedy as old as time, and this is because it works. You cut off contact. You do the no contact rule.

Seriously.. Completely cut off all communication from this individual in any way shape and form you can. It is sad, but it works and that's why it’s so bittersweet. How does it work you ask? It’s pretty straightforward. By cutting off communication it either gives you the space to detach yourself from the person and move on, or it gives you both a chance to have some space and figure out if you really should be together. But how can you go from the familiarity of life with a loved one to complete radio silence? The no contact rule is so hard to follow...

Radio silence, shutting someone out of your life completely, seems heartless if you really think about it. What we know about love biologically is that it affects us like a drug. The happiness we get from another person comes from a release of the hormone dopamine in your brain, and without that person, it's like going through withdrawals from a drug. No wonder it hurts so bad. This is why the no contact period is both good and bad. The sadness and pain sucks but it by the end of it you won't feel so “addicted” to that person anymore and that's what lets you move on in the easiest and fastest way possible.

The other way that no contact “works” is by giving you time to process things. I mean… it gives you time, time to analyze all the things that you need to be sure that you are able to self-reflect. What caused this breakup in the first place? I’m sure it was for a reason, and those reasons are so important. You may be feeling sad and you’re convincing yourself that the relationship was amazing! In reality, you may just be fooling yourself and forgetting about all the things that may have been pretty unfair or frustrating. Take this time to make sure this was the kind of relationship you actually liked, or even more important, that was good for you.

Relationships are a commitment between people. They should be built on mutual love and respect for the other person. Often times a loss in respect, trust, or effort is what causes a relationship to end. When a relationship is built on games, however, it can be much more complicated. When you play games in a relationship it skews the truth about who you are and why you are in the relationship in the first place. This is why for some, “no contact” just turns into another game people play. It’s a power struggle, trying to see who is weaker and will reach out to the other person first. Pretending you don’t care to worry the other person into returning to you. It isn’t healthy and is the time when no contact is more trouble than good for you.

So many of you are probably wondering what the heck no contact even consists of at this point. It’s kind of like a set of guidelines that you have to follow for a period after a breakup of any kind to create much needed distance between you and your ex. It is a time to find yourself and take care of yourself. Everyone needs time after a breakup, and no contact is just that.

If you are hoping to use it as a means to get back with your ex, however, I urge you to understand that if you are missing your ex then in a healthy relationship you should just talk about things. If they care about you they will want to work through your problems with you. If not, they probably want to have time away from you and you need to accept this or you will never move on.

In no contact, it means simply that. No communication. The less you see, hear from, or are even reminded of your ex the better. Remember… out of sight out of mind! Don’t call or text them. It may be a good idea to either block them on social media, or just log off yourself for a good amount of time so you can’t see their posts. If you had a mutual group of friends it may be a good idea to take a step back and spend time with other people. And how long does this no contact last? Some suggest a limit of about 30 days, but I say however long until you don't feel so tied to that person. The thought of them moving on shouldn’t send you into a downward spiral. This period of time is to help you move on, so take whatever time you need to get to that point!

If after a period of time you still miss them terribly, then you can always reach out. After you’ve both had time to think he may miss you too and you now have both had plenty of time to figure out what needs to change for your relationship to be successful moving forward. If he doesn’t respond in the way you hope, that’s okay, just go back to no contact and move on for good. Do not think about how to get someone back who is not giving you the decency to even talk to you for a “closure.” Closure in and of itself is an illusion but the purpose of this article is not to discuss how to get closure or how to win your ex back; my goal is to show you another way. A path where “no contact” is not even a thought because you realize that being true to yourself and being able to love means… not just “not loving” someone the second you break up and acting as if they died.

The most important part of no contact is coming back to yourself. Often times we lose ourselves a little or a lot because we focus too much on the other person. Take this time and listen to your heart. Find things that make you happy and inspired and do them over and over again. Spend time with people that bring peace to your mind. Remember the most important relationship you will ever have in life is the one you have with yourself

He might still love you.
You might still love him.

No contact just gives you space to remember that.

By Erin Elizabeth